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Posted on Sun, Nov. 21, 2004 |
| DON'T BE NAUGHTY. BE NICE |
TAKE PAINS TO AVOID ADDING TO DISCOMFORT AT HOLIDAY GET-TOGETHERS By Vera H-C Chan Special to the Mercury News |
| Ah, the holidays. Good cheer, good will -- and the rudest behavior this side of the North Pole. End-of-year stress and anxiety over events such as family gatherings and office parties can erode the best manners. Two primary (and primal) impulses contribute to the potential incivility, says P.M. Forni, author of ``Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct'' (St. Martin's Press, $11.95). ``One is that many people think that one can dispose of good manners in the presence of family and friends. The second is that sometimes the holidays are stress-laden. The combination of these two factors can bring about a good amount of misery.'' Fortunately, you can avoid holiday lapses in courtesy -- on a personal level as well as from others -- by following a few simple etiquette guidelines. Nothing fancy here, just the basics: Family get-togethers At best you reconnect with loved ones. At worst old feuds, sibling rivalries and personal issues boil over. To contain the chaos caused by cousin Ida's nasty insults: Eschew family gossip and rumor. Forni says you should politely deflect such talk with, `` `I think that Martha should be the one to tell us that, but she's not here.' '' Or, change the subject. ``You can quite plainly say, `Why don't you talk about something else?' '' Forni says. Finally, opt out of indelicate or inflammatory conversation -- like post-election quarterbacking -- with a simple ``Will you excuse me?'' A host is in a difficult position, however. ``If someone is really causing a disturbance, it is up to you to step in and smooth things over,'' says Caroline Tiger, author of ``How to Behave'' (Quirk Productions, $12.95). But San Jose family therapist Robin Raniero says interfering in a heated discussion may be asking for trouble. ``Don't try to be a rescuer of an argument if it's not about you,'' Raniero advises. ``It's tricky, because you can get blamed for doing something and you can get blamed for not doing something.'' Solution? The old ``Anyone want dessert?'' ploy. If all else fails, try what Tiger calls ``the messy distraction'' -- spilling said dessert on self. ``That will stop all of the discussion.'' Can the announcements. Holidays are not the time for revelations, good or bad. Switching religions, political affiliations and maybe your sexual orientation fall in this category, since once you announce it you may have to listen to Uncle Thom bashing all you believe in. ``If you want to be real with your family, you may have to be willing to accept that your family doesn't want that with you, and that's the ultimate rejection,'' Raniero says. ``Know that they may not accept that piece of you, and know that they may not be able to say that in the nicest way.'' But doesn't sitting there without responding to Uncle Thom make you a hypocrite? ``Chances are, you've been a hypocrite your whole life until now, if that's how you see it,'' Tiger says. ``Another couple hours isn't going to hurt.'' Get a lifeline. ``If you know there's going to be a stressful situation,'' advises Raniero, ``have a friend who knows you best who will be on call.'' So when Mom's picking on your eating habits and Dad's hitting the gin, excuse yourself and hit speed-dial. |
| The office party |
| For singles or people with anti-social partners, the office party can be the nightmare before Christmas. Scenarios and what to do: Your mate doesn't want to go to the holiday tractor pull. Fine. If you've been invited as a couple and it's a seated party, inform the host in advance. You might be able to bring a best friend or relative instead. If asked about your mate's whereabouts, smile and say, ``My beloved's sorry, but s/he couldn't come.'' If pressured, Tiger recommends the white lie about food poisoning or stomach flu. By the way, don't push a reluctant mate. Babysitting a grouch will ruin your night. ``The etiquette (here) would be listening to your partner,'' Raniero says. ``If it means so much to you, you have to see why they wouldn't want to go. You'll have to look at the relationship in general.'' You're single. You attend the event alone -- good for you. However, you receive rude inquiries on your chosen independence. ``Deflect the question with humor,'' says Tiger, who suggests a reply like, ``Oh my gosh, I forgot to bring a date'' or getting flirty -- ``Oh, you were taken.'' Make sure the latter won't cause unintended problems. You're waiting for Mr. Right. You hoped Abdul would ask you to the tractor pull, but now Colin is on the phone. If Abdul and Colin run in the same social circles, you might have to go with the person who asks first -- and hope the other one gets jealous. But if there's a chance of leading Colin on, it's not worth it. Go alone. For any party, don't bring surprise guests, or guests who will embarrass you. Undoing the damage of your drunken pal hitting on your boss will take a lot more than good manners. Accepting (or declining) the invite. When someone takes the time to throw a party, you must decide by the RSVP date whether you'll go. If you do say yes, show up. On time. No RSVP? Let the hosts know a week ahead. Waiting a day or two before the event is like lighting flares that spell out, ``I was holding out for a better offer.'' Don't know your plans yet? Reply to the invite with the question, ``I would love to come. When do you need to know?'' If you say, ``I'm not sure what I'm doing that weekend,'' you might as well light those flares. You didn't RSVP, but you attend anyway. If it's a fancy affair, your hosts will have to rearrange seating, pay additional fees at the restaurant or downsize portions so everyone ends up hungry. If you decide to show up without RSVP-ing, bring flowers -- or better yet, uncut diamonds. If you just can't deal with the holiday onslaught, chill. You don't have to go to everything. Decline with thanks. Putting off your RSVP will just build up embarrassment and defensiveness. Then you can eat Dove bars and watch reruns of ``Friends'' that night without guilt. |